Maternity Tours... get me off this bus!

27 Weeks

EEEK!!! T andI went on the maternity tour at South Coast Hospital on Monday. Neither of us are joiners, and both of us are wisecracking and sarcastic. Needless to say we were NOT the favorites of the group.
The leader had a lot of the worried sheep look that T and I grew to fear on the AIDS ride. She spent the first 15 minutes scolding us for our sins, which in my case include coffee, Punk rock and the occasional glass of red wine, oh and hot tubs, and late nights. Bad mommy. Then bad daddy for not getting a car seat RIGHT NOW, and for not taking Lamaze classes (Yeah, like I'm gonna puff on cue and concentrate on a picture to alleviate pain, HAH! I'll be cussing like a Hell's angel and throwing a punch at the nearest person who tries to be soothing. My birth plan includes lots of drugs and the soundtrack to the Filth and the Fury) With that we were left to watch a national Geographic video all about pregnancy. T leaned over and asked me why the baby looked like she was dipped in honey. Why indeed? 4D makes baby look like a badly cooked turkey.
The rooms are late Eighties pink and turquoise. Very Miami Vice. Dr Woody looks nothing like Sonny Crockett.
Just looking at the bed made me feel nauseous. It was narrow... it had a "squat" bar... and...ugh....stirrups. So like a medieval torture rack, but not in a sexy, Goth way. The Machines that go ping are disguised behind bad, faded art prints. It looked like a motel room in Nebraska.
Various gentlemen were asking sensitive questions about birthing balls, and tubs, and doulas etc. T and I were both thinking the same thing. Wimps. T's idea of pacing the waiting room smoking a cigar and watching football sounds better to me. Oh to be knocked out like a late 50's housewife. I'd love to go in, be out, and then wake up and someone hands me a cute little child. Sigh...
Before anyone panics, we are both preparing, we are going to do it all natural and stuff. We just WISH it could be like an old I Love Lucy episode. A girl can dream can't she? Mary Tyler Moore was so cute post natally... I'm going to look like I was attacked by Godzilla.
We were stopped in our world weary tracks. A baby was born while we were there. We could hear it... AAWWWWW!!!! Mushy and so sweet.
I guess I'll survive the goofiness of the maternity ward. As long as I'm healthy, the tyke is healthy and Tommy is healthy... Well... It's not THAT bad.

Birthing balls?

Didn't we already use those?